I want children. People say that I'm not smart enough to raise a child, but I've seen them all my life. No matter where I go, I see children. Some are alone, some are with parents, legal guardians, or parole officers; and some are just alone. My wife says no. She says that I should stay in the office. All she wants is money. I too need money. Sure, money is cool and all, but all that money won't make me free. Children will. I work to live. I don't live to work. I don't want to waste my life in an office working from 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM from Mondays to Fridays. I mean, I guess she has a point. For all I know, I could end up suffering and wasting years of my life just for a chance at saying that I'm a father. I've spent my entire life on autoplay just for once chance at being a father. Maybe if I had truly cared about the world around me, and took a chance at making friends and trying new things, I wouldn't want to be a father. But I didn't. All that was on my mind was "I want to be a father. Just let me do what I want in order to become a father, and let me be happy!"
01 seemed very dramatic. They always cried out for attention. They didn't care if it was I nor my wife. They just wanted someone to hear them scream. They wanted to feel a heart.
02 never shut up. They kept making us look at what they had done. If they built something out of blocks, aimlessly scattered dried macaroni and glue on a piece of paper, defecated on the floor or walls, or stained the house with their siblings' tears, occasionally blood; my wife and I had no choice but to bear witness. It all looked like a mess to me. Just noise with no meaning. Just like… my children…
03 never stopped working on whatever thought appeared in their mind. They never found fun in anything they did. They just wanted to see an end. They practically worshiped Ralph Emmerson. Everytime I looked at them, their face was red and they were sweating and shaking violently. It seemed as if they wanted to scream or simply pass out and never wake up, but that would have impeded their goals.
04 was smart. They always are up every science kit we got them. They loved to read, and they practically watched TVO Kids and Knowledge Kids on a daily basis. With how fast their brain works, I almost thought that maybe they would have a chance at friendship. Until I remembered the existence of nerds. All I could do was pray to Hotei.
05 seemed to show no fear. Not once did I have to check under their bed nor their closet for monsters. They were totally fine with watching horror movies. I don't mean kids' movies with paintings whose eyes follow the guests in a mansion and bedsheet ghosts who say 'boo'. I mean real world horrors. Death, abuse, rape, torture; even I couldn't that stuff. Hell, I can't even handle jump scares, and yet here they are watching Black Sabbath, Fatal Frame, and Twilight Syndrome! Are these the signs of a psychopath in the making?
06 loved sports and was always outside. They made fun of the other children for playing video games, watching TV; even reading, writing, and drawing. If they weren't exercising, they were mocked relentlessly. Sure, they're strong and they have stamina, but they're a moron. They can't create nor think critically. All that they can do is throw balls and lift weights. Their BMI is practically in the negatives.
07 was a coward. They couldn't do anything without someone watching over them, protecting them, telling them what they can and can't do. They couldn't watch TV nor play video games. They would get nightmares. They couldn't play sports. They would get hurt. They couldn't even think, breathe, nor exist without a sense of dread that they're unsafe. Why are they scared? Are they scared of the fact that God exists? Are they scared of the fact that God doesn't exist? Are they scared of themself? Can they ever face themself, deconstruct themself, and find out who they are and what their purpose is?
08 was the creative type, always drawing, occasionally dabbling into music, writing, and coding. They say that it's their 'dream' to create, express themselves and be happy, but life doesn't give a damn about their dreams. Their main priority will be to survive. We need food, water, air, and shelter to survive. Happiness and self-expression appear to be worthless in the grand scheme of things. I fear they'll be mocked in school as they attempt to express themselves and show their peers a look into their mind and who they really are. It's funny. Those kids in the other classes worship celebrities and musicians, but they treat the theater kids and band kids like shit, even though those same 'idols' started in the same positions as the ones whom they bully.
09 was childish. They seemed trapped in their own fantasy world. I suppose it was cute to see them play God and choose their own path, but do they truly see the world as just a game? A place with no rules and freedom to do whatever? With no consequences? They won't be able to stand up to anyone or win any arguments. As long as they see themselves as a hero, they're practically dead to those in power.
10 was curious. They enjoyed wondering why and figuring out their surroundings. All throughout the house, they would interact with whatever they can get their hands on. Food in the kitchen, furniture in the living room, tools in the garage, loose pills in the bathroom, even random garbage. They weren't happy with just 'looking'. They wanted to see what the objects are made of and what they can do. Charles Darwin is awaiting them.
11 always had a frown on their face. Whenever they saw other kids laughing and playing, they just stood there and watched. I have never seen them smile nor laugh. Although they consumed media deemed 'comedic', they never showed a sense of enjoyment. They always asked me what they'll be doing once they graduate, where they'll go when they move out, and where they'll work. They never asked me something as simple as if I want to play video games with them, if they want me to watch them play a song, see something they drew, what they want for their birthday or Christmas, nor even if I want to know how their day was. Inside, they must surely be happy, right? They're probably crying, screaming, and wishing that it would all end. They want to curl up, away from all the noise, and just scream and ask for someone to hold their hand and guide them.
12 seeked inner peace. They never wanted to talk nor see others. They locked themself in their room and meditated. They studied religion because they didn't want to live their life without asking themself "Why am I here?" They wanted to learn who they are. No matter what I said, they always said it's what they are, not who they are. It seems that they don't have goals. They want a purpose, but they may never find it. Hell, they may not have one to begin with. Although they appear calm, I truly know that they're unstable. Their emotions are spiraling out of control as they look for some kind of answer to explain who they are.
13 was weird. They always rejected the mainstream and wanted to forge their own path. They weren't a hipster. They knew that the mainstream existed, but they didn't mindlessly hate on it. The only way I could describe them and their friends would be "outcasts". Their food and snacks looked disgusting to me, and their pallets seemed accustomed. Their clothes were gaudy, but they loved being on display, even if they were spat on and thrown rocks at. The media that they consumed looked like a bad trip and sounded like noise. No matter how many times I told them that a pure-minded individual could not create such mindless filth, they told me that it was expression. To me and everyone else, all I saw was insanity, crafted by druggies.
14 always watched the world around them. They could focus on any one thing for extended periods of time, just to see how it worked. Its thoughts, its dreams, its desires, its id, its ego, its superego. I told them that those objects were just objects with no souls. They called me the same. I wondered if they had some semblance of truth to what they were saying.
15 was, to put it one way, "slow". They always seemed 7 or 8 steps behind or ahead of everyone. They always had a blank look on their face as they couldn't comprehend how the world worked. Their friends saw them as someone who wasn't worth their time. All they were to them was clay that they could mold and corrupt. As long as they were unaware and trapped in their own world and couldn't figure out their true intentions, they were cannon fodder and a laughing stock.
I watched them for all their lives. I saw that they were happy in elementary school and middle school, but then in high school, things changed for the worse, and I was shocked at what I saw.
01 really stood out among their peers in elementary school and middle school, but in high school: they're seen as flashy and shallow. People are always quick to avoid them in the hallway.
02 kept making minor tweaks to their personality and appearance in an attempt to fit into every clique possible. Sure it got them friends back then, but when they reached high school, everyone saw right through their façade.
03 was seen as a nerd whose only purpose was doing math unwillingly for all the other kids who bullied them. It didn't help that they had no friends, and spent all their free-time in the halls sitting in a desolate corner or the abandoned music room browsing their phone aimlessly or playing visual novels.
04 wanted to join the military thanks to those bastards and their propaganda showing up at the school. Sure 04 is still around, but with PTSD and a group of friends who were also stupid enough to follow them into believing those propaganda spewing plastic robots.
05 was so demanding for innovation and wasted all their money on the latest technology just to impress their "friends". It's not my fault that all their friends were jocks who didn't care for technology, and weren't too bright to know about their inner workings either.
06 was cast aside. They were branded as "stupid", "a poor attempt", "a waste". Not even other outcasts would hang out with them.
07 found newfound wealth by starting their own fight club. As idiotic as it sounded, they made quite a bit of cash by preying on idiots who wanted to prove their "manliness". Maybe if they had listened to Chuck Palahniuk, they would have had a normal life.
08 gained an obsession for thrift stores and pawn shops. Although they wanted to appear as "alternative", their classmates only saw a hipster to spit on. All they were to them was a target who alienated themself just to look cool.
09 ended up messing with a gang. Seeing them loiter in the halls made them want to appear cool as well. All that earned them was a trip to the hospital and all the others seeing them as an example to avoid those gangs.
10 sold themself out. After filming themself on YouTube, they caught the eye of YTV and Family. Sure, they star in multiple sitcoms, but to the producers: they're just a pawn that they can command. They'll listen because no matter how fetish-oriented the scene is, they'll still do it for a shot at money and stardom. God knows what they're forced to do behind the scenes.
11 seemed old and outdated, especially after they started using drugs. Their body and mind regressed so much that it seemed like they were from a different time period; almost like a neanderthal.
12 had dreams in high school: straight As, friends, and extracurricular activities. One day, they just snapped and shot up the school. I don't know what drove them to do it. They seemed so happy and stable before. My only thought is that maybe they wanted their name to be known somehow, even if it meant being portrayed as "evil".
13 tried too hard to be a part of every group they came across. Jocks, nerds, you name it. They catered so much to everyone around them that they had virtually no personality. Nothing that made them stand apart compared to all the other faceless souls who wandered the halls. They reduced themself to a husk despite their lavish appearance.
14 was ignored. No one wanted to talk to them. It's not that they were a bad person. They were just quiet. Since they didn't talk to everyone, everyone assumed that there was something wrong with them and that they had to stay away. Occasionally, they would be the butt of the popular kids' jokes.
15 was by no means a model. Slightly chubby, but no wear near what one would consider to be "skinny". No one wanted to be partnered with them nor hang out with them outside of class. Although they attended dances, the only reason as to why people bothered to dance with them in the first place was so they could better their image and show how supportive they were to the obese.
Seeing all my children grow up to be such failures, it's no surprise that I started to regret being a father. Years of my life, and countless amounts of money wasted all for the sake of proving to the world that I could be a father! I thought that my wife and my friends would be proud, but no! Those beings that I have raised don't deserve to be called children, or even humans for that matter! They're abominations! No one in their right mind would even adopt them. It was at that moment that I decided to kill them. By the time I realized my mistake of fathering them, they had already moved and started families of their own. I tracked them down on social media. When I arrived at their houses, I broke in, found their bedrooms, and shot them. Sure, it was noisy and woke up their husbands, wives, and kids; but they had to hear it. I wanted them to be traumatized. I didn't want to kill them. If I did, they would be unable to suffer and gain trauma from seeing a loved one die in front of them. I had to ensure that others would know my pain and get to be me. I admit it! I failed at being a father! I should have listened! All that media glorifying parenthood and giving me false hope telling me that I could do it was bullshit! I refused to kill myself. I know that I'm willing to take someone else's life, but I refuse to take my own. I actually have other goals that I can set now that those demons are finally out of my life for good. Besides: they deserved it, didn't they? They suffered all throughout high school. Is it wrong to say that they wanted to die? I'll never know for sure. I may be called evil, and I may be going to Hell, but at least I attempted fatherhood. I failed, but at least people know of my impact.