I walked to my dealer yet again. I visit them every day. I have to get a fix to unwind after a long day at work. It's my routine.
"Welcome back!" they said with a smile, "Did you enjoy the last dose?"
"No," I said, "I couldn't handle the hallucinations."
"Why not? You love those hallucinations. Seeing the men and women of your desires. Don't you want to be with them? Don't you wish they were your friends?"
"During my last dose, I saw a woman getting mutilated. I heard her screams. I couldn't look away? How could I? In her eyes, I saw someone who wanted pain. She was a consenting adult, wasn't she? Yet deep down, I felt like this was wrong. Reflecting on the past years with all my dosages, I realize that I lost myself. I'm a monster! I'm disgusting! Stop with the doses!"
"Relax. Can't you just ignore me? Just move on and find other dealers."
"How?"
I grabbed their hood and pulled it off.
"You're me!" I shouted at them.
"That's impossible," they said, "We look nothing alike, our names are different, and I don't even live here. You are insane!"
"You are a person! You are me! Does your family know what you do for a living? They must be so impressed that their perfect little angel is making a living and is paying off their debts! You're so young! What would they do if they saw you devoting your life to corrupting people for the sake of profit?"
"I didn't choose this! God gave me a gift. He wanted me to like drugs so I express myself via drugs and provide it to other like-minded individuals."
"Look at yourself! You have a cult devoted to your drugs! You offer others to learn how you acquire and sell the drugs! You want more! With your newly earned money, you ask your very followers to provide you with harder drugs to grant you with the same hallucinations you provide them! Why did I ever consider this? I wanted to laugh at the druggies, not become one!"
"If you're so adamant on quitting, then stop visiting me. You can't! You're addicted! It's hardwired into your DNA! You can ignore me all you want. Hell, you can even pretend that I'm dead for all I care. You'll just find others who will provide you with greater hallucinations. I may be thankful for all my money and fans received from this business, but deep down I don't give a shit about any of you. It's not part of the job. Now take your dose and get the fuck out of my face! See you tomorrow…"
Returning home, I looked at the drugs and thought about all the bright colours and sensations I could see. If I take them, I'll place myself in a fantasy world. If I refuse to take them, I'll be surrounded by a world that hates me and will make me long for the drugs even more. In the end, I chose the gun.